Chivalry is dead…if you’re a dipshit

Yes, women can vote, serve in the military, and no longer have to be secretaries to be in the workplace. But they’re still women. I know they say they want to be treated as equals, but that’s just with the important shit. You don’t have to open doors and pull out chairs, but you still have to pay for shit, walk them home at night, and fight a dude if he’s being fresh (no matter how big he is). You seriously think it’s a good idea to let a girl walk home alone late at night in a city? You’re a fucking idiot.
“What ever dude. They want to be treated as equals.”
You seriously believe that shit? Check back with me when you’ve resorted to bringing call girls to family functions so your family doesn’t think you’re gay.

Apart from peanuts & chips, there should be no eating at the bar

We’ve all been there. You’re at the local watering hole, knocking back a couple (10+) cold ones with the homies, shooting the shit, when you realize you haven’t had anything to eat all day except for a cup of coffee and a bag of chips. You should probably put something in your stomach. Or else in 20 minutes you’re going to be as sloppy and annoying as that sad, drunk, middle-aged woman who won’t shut the fuck up about the horses she used to own down at the other end of the bar. Go get that burrito you know you want and need. Just do the rest of us a favor and finish it before returning. The bar isn’t your fucking living room. If you really need to eat something that bad you should probably take a teeny weeny break from pouring Pabst down your throat. What’s the fucking rush? Are you afraid you’re going to miss something or those hunnydips are going to start talking to your homies? No girl is going to approach a half-shitfaced dude at a bar cramming a burrito into his face. Except for maybe horse-lady. Finish that shit at El Beanerino.

Studies show that drinking Evian makes me want to punch you in the face.

Oh great. Evian has combined two of my least favorite things ever. Rollerfags from the park and tiny fat people who compulsively cry and shit themselves. Kudos Evian. I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve made me into an even angrier human being.

My interests include long walks on the beach, candle light dinners, and serial killing

I can’t believe how many people want to go to the bone-zone with Gavin Newsom. Homeboy looks like he obsesses over business cards and spends his free time feeding stray cats to ATMs and returning videos. But i guess if you're into getting your lady parts knifed on camera he does look kinda dreamy.

THE FINAL SOLUTION...for the oil leak

BP should kill two birds with one stone and plug that leak up with a big giant ball of panda fur. Those spoiled little brats have got to go. When will we just take Darwin seriously and let evolution run its course? They’re not even a real bear. They move slow as shit, they eat bamboo (which is just plain fucking weird), and they refuse to procreate. Time is up. Thanks for not caring about your own existence.

Lock your daughters up!

Holly shit! You better lock your women up. This little dude is bringing it!

Wait that was a Lady GaGa song? Never mind, keep your eyes on your creepy uncle and single dad. Cuz that kid is definitely not into chicks.

You're a 'leg girl?' Really?

Is there such a thing as a ‘leg girl’ or ‘ass girl?’ No, right? Girls are just into general good looks and a good sense of humor. And sometimes not even that. Like the fairer sex can appreciate washboard abs or a nice ass, but they’re not going to bang a dude just because of it. You kind of have to be as perverted and depraved as a man to do that shit. That’s probably why girls love gay dudes. Gay dudes say shit that objectifies men, the way women wish they could. Oh and they make them feel ok about sleeping around.