Introducing His-Carriage: from the twisted mind of Eric The Hateful Bigot

Hey there Bros and Brawhides. 7lbs 6oz got you down? Well we've all been there. You got the bar skank pregnant and now your future is starting to look pretty boring and expensive. Now I know what you’re thinking "maybe she won't want to keep it" or "maybe she'll survive that 'accidental' trip down 4 flights of stairs." Well guess what? NO and NO.
You see bitches weren't made from the same thought processing genes as dudes. While you and I toil away on world pressing issues like what should the pledges nickname be and how can I turn $10 into enough blow to last me the weekend, they're busy thinking of how they can trick a man into supporting them and their superficial lifestyle. Oh, whats that? Um, superficial, it means like she's a bitch or something.
Anyway, your life wasn't meant to be spent changing diapers and buying food for other people. It was meant to be spent changing girlfriends and buying the next Coldplay or Dane Cook C.D. Besides, having babies makes women ugly. I mean honestly would you bang your mom? I know I wouldn't bang your mom.
So calm down, because some scientist fag has made a solution to your problem. New from Pfizther comes His-Carriage. Yes, His-Carriage. The brand new medication that will eliminate "the kids" problem faster than your pregnant mom in a Franzia drinking contest.
"But what if she doesn't want to take His-Carriage?" Good question but there is one problem. WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD SPEAK PLEDGE!!! KEEP POURING THAT FUCKING HOT SAUCE ON YOUR DICK HOLE!!! Moving on. You see, since women are emotional and stupid His-Carriage was designed with men in mind so that means we covered all the basics. His-carriage is meant to be used without her knowing. This pill dissolves in seconds into any liquid so as not to be detected. We also have snortable His-Carriage that looks, tastes, and has effects just like cocaine. That way she'll want to get her party buzz on when she sees you have drugs. Plus, you'll definitely get laid again because you have drugs. No more begging her to change her mind. No more telling her how much you wanted to spend a year in Amsterdam. No more denying it's yours. You can own up to it without even breaking a sweat. Chicks dig gay shit like that. So the next time that walk of shame involves a baby carriage just think His-Carriage.
Brought to you in part by The Pfizther Company and the University of Wisconsin Chapter of Phi Sigma Phi. Go Badgers!

Movie Review: Invasion USA

This is easily the best cold war era action movie. Actually, fuck that. This is the best movie of all time. I know what you're going to say.
Oh, HA HA. Chuck Norris movie. HA HA. I love Chuck Norris. HA HA.
No you don't, idiot. Chuck Norris sucks, his career sucks, jokes about him suck, and you suck for pretending to like him. If you love Chuck Norris so much, then let me ask you a question. What's the name of his black sidekick from 'the hit T.V. show' Walker Texas Ranger? That's what i thought nancy. Kick rocks. The movie poster might have the mulleted one on it, but make no mistake about it. This movie is all about the great Richard Lynch aka Rostov. Dude is ruthless. In the opening scene homeboy smokes an old man in the dome over a boatload of coke. Later on he cruises around the suburbs blowing up houses on christmas eve, and at the end of the movie he gets into a bazooka shootout with Charles Mullet. The best scene, however, is when Rostov slams a coke straw up some slampig's nasal cavity, shoots two guys who aren't even in the fucking room, blasts a coke dealer right in the rocks, then homeboy turns around and throws said slampig(screaming bloody murder) out a fucking window. Boom. Suck it Scarface, Rostov is number one.

Tickle My Vagina

What the hell Majela? You could have just politely asked me to get rid of the beard in private. You didn't have to go public with the issue and make a fool of me on youtube.

We All The Wold

Really dudes? You spend the time to get in black face and redo your bone structure to look like Guy Ritchie, but you're too fucking stubborn to learn your R's? Thanks for half-assing it.

Via Theo Crotti

Oh, I’m the weird one because my parents decided against mutilating my dick. Yeah that makes sense.

Barbaric medical practices no longer in use-
Cranial Trephination Check
Bloodletting Check
Treating Hemorrhoids with Hot Irons Check
Cutting Baby Cocks Not Quite

In Africa they wait till you’re a teenager, then they throw a crazy party where the whole village gets together and knifes your weiner. But that’s just to make sure you’re brave enough to be a child soldier, fight lions, eat human meat, and get adopted by a celebrity. Cus if there’s anything scarier than that shit, it’s having an entire village take your dick to the butcher block.
But here we can’t wait to wipe the birth juice off the motherfucker before cutting his willy.

Hey baby, welcome to the planet earth. We’ve cured polio, mastered nuclear fusion, harnessed the power of the wind, walked on the moon, and like to cut babies’ dinks.

Why the fuck do we still do this shit?
Cleanliness
Really dude? Do you not take showers? Washing your cock and balls should be part of your daily routine, you grimy bastard. I don’t care if you’re cut or not, if you don’t clean that shit on the reg you’re gonna get dick-zits.

STDs
What the fuck? Putting a rubber on is too difficult? You’d rather take a knife to your prick than spending .5 seconds before getting your freak on? I’m too lazy to get out of bed to pee, but you’re taking laziness to a whole new level.

To Fit In
Of all the reasons to have ‘minor’ dick surgery this is the weirdest one. What are you doing? Comparing dicks with your bros? Sounds more like a gay movie plot than reality. The only time your flaccid member should be exposed in the same room as other bare cocks is in a group shower. And those are just for jocks and the weirdos at the YMCA. And if you’re either one of those types of people then you should probably have gotten your entire cock cut off.

Skull fuck Muni? Skull Fuck teachers who bring their field-trips on Muni.

How can somebody responsible for educating our youth be so fucking retarded? What the fuck are you thinking, taking 30 loud little nose-picking walking shit-stains on Muni? I thought teachers were supposed to be smart. If you don't have enough chaperones to transport the little fuckers by car, then you don't have enough chaperones to make sure one of them doesn't end up at the bottom of the bay. Consider this a warning and a promise. Next time you bring your "little bumblebees," or whatever gay little nickname you've given your 3rd grade class, on Muni I'm going to abduct one of the bastards and murder the shit out of em.

The Examiner- Know a pregnant smoker who's planning to quit the instant she gives birth? Speed-dial her and say, "Not soon enough!" A study of 8- to 16-year-olds shows that kids exposed to smoke in the womb are six times more likely to have asthma than children of nonsmokers. And smoking is now tied to between 5 percent and 8 percent of premature births.
If you didn't quit before you were pregnant, don't waste energy feeling guilty. Quit now!!! And don't let anyone smoke near you or your kids. Just so you're clear, here are the dangers of secondhand smoke: New research shows that 23 percent to 34 percent of deaths caused by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome could have been prevented if the mothers had quit. Kids inhaling secondhand smoke are more vulnerable to lung and ear infections; school-age children have more behavior problems; and those with asthma are twice as likely to miss school.

What is this, 1950? How the fuck do you not already know that smoking 'cancer sticks' is bad for your baby? The idea that smoking is bad for you and anything around you is older than me. What's worse than smoking while you've got a bun in the oven, is contributing to the gene pool while being retarded enough to not know that pregos shouldn't smoke. Here's a fucking idea. Don't bother trying to quit smoking. Do yourself, your bouncing bundle of cancer, and the rest of mankind a favor and throw yourself off the Golden Gate Bridge.