definitely not the way i though it was going to turn out

The 'Tit Guy' Myth

I don’t understand “boob guys”. Personally, I’m an ass man. Don’t get me wrong-I love tits as much as the next guy, but there’s no way I’m gonna send my dick on vacation with a girl just because of her rack. But an ass that won’t quit is a completely different story. She could have a burn victim’s face, old droopy chewed up tits, and Fran Drescher’s laugh but as long as she had an incredible ass I’d be down. A girl with a nice rack and nothing else will only turn your head and get your attention for about a 1/2 second. That’s all they are, attention getters, and the only reason they’re better attention grabbers than asses is because they’re closer to eye level. Even “boob men” check out a chick’s ass after the boobs get their attention. Whenever a guy walks by some decent looking chick his head immediately turns on a dime and checks out the ass, ALWAYS. And if it doesn’t, then you can put all your money on him owning the Sex & The City boxset and loooooving Chelsey Handler. Actually, I’m going to go as far as saying there is no such thing as “boob men”. Yes, men like boobs but guys who claim to be “boob men” just say that shit because they think it sounds gay to say they prefer a nice juicy ass to a set of funbags. And where the fuck did that name for tits come from? Funbags? Really dude? I guess they’re fun to look at, grope, and are great handles but I’m not writing home about any boobs. Do you remember when you were younger and you touched boobies for the first time? Pretty fun, I know, but do you remember how quickly you got bored with ‘em and tried to move on to bigger and greater things? Yeah dude, it was like a couple of minutes and the only reason it was that long is because your brain was busy cumming its pants. Once it cleaned itself up and composed itself it was like “Alright dude, enough with these silly boob things. Lets see if we can claw our little paw down those GAP jeans.” I like boobs, all men do. It’s hard not to. Physical attraction is all about accentuating the physical differences from the other sex. And boobs serve that purpose quite well, but being that gay for boobs just makes you sound like that little faggot from Look Who’s Talking.

Introducing His-Carriage: from the twisted mind of Eric The Hateful Bigot

Hey there Bros and Brawhides. 7lbs 6oz got you down? Well we've all been there. You got the bar skank pregnant and now your future is starting to look pretty boring and expensive. Now I know what you’re thinking "maybe she won't want to keep it" or "maybe she'll survive that 'accidental' trip down 4 flights of stairs." Well guess what? NO and NO.
You see bitches weren't made from the same thought processing genes as dudes. While you and I toil away on world pressing issues like what should the pledges nickname be and how can I turn $10 into enough blow to last me the weekend, they're busy thinking of how they can trick a man into supporting them and their superficial lifestyle. Oh, whats that? Um, superficial, it means like she's a bitch or something.
Anyway, your life wasn't meant to be spent changing diapers and buying food for other people. It was meant to be spent changing girlfriends and buying the next Coldplay or Dane Cook C.D. Besides, having babies makes women ugly. I mean honestly would you bang your mom? I know I wouldn't bang your mom.
So calm down, because some scientist fag has made a solution to your problem. New from Pfizther comes His-Carriage. Yes, His-Carriage. The brand new medication that will eliminate "the kids" problem faster than your pregnant mom in a Franzia drinking contest.
"But what if she doesn't want to take His-Carriage?" Good question but there is one problem. WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD SPEAK PLEDGE!!! KEEP POURING THAT FUCKING HOT SAUCE ON YOUR DICK HOLE!!! Moving on. You see, since women are emotional and stupid His-Carriage was designed with men in mind so that means we covered all the basics. His-carriage is meant to be used without her knowing. This pill dissolves in seconds into any liquid so as not to be detected. We also have snortable His-Carriage that looks, tastes, and has effects just like cocaine. That way she'll want to get her party buzz on when she sees you have drugs. Plus, you'll definitely get laid again because you have drugs. No more begging her to change her mind. No more telling her how much you wanted to spend a year in Amsterdam. No more denying it's yours. You can own up to it without even breaking a sweat. Chicks dig gay shit like that. So the next time that walk of shame involves a baby carriage just think His-Carriage.
Brought to you in part by The Pfizther Company and the University of Wisconsin Chapter of Phi Sigma Phi. Go Badgers!

Movie Review: Invasion USA

This is easily the best cold war era action movie. Actually, fuck that. This is the best movie of all time. I know what you're going to say.
Oh, HA HA. Chuck Norris movie. HA HA. I love Chuck Norris. HA HA.
No you don't, idiot. Chuck Norris sucks, his career sucks, jokes about him suck, and you suck for pretending to like him. If you love Chuck Norris so much, then let me ask you a question. What's the name of his black sidekick from 'the hit T.V. show' Walker Texas Ranger? That's what i thought nancy. Kick rocks. The movie poster might have the mulleted one on it, but make no mistake about it. This movie is all about the great Richard Lynch aka Rostov. Dude is ruthless. In the opening scene homeboy smokes an old man in the dome over a boatload of coke. Later on he cruises around the suburbs blowing up houses on christmas eve, and at the end of the movie he gets into a bazooka shootout with Charles Mullet. The best scene, however, is when Rostov slams a coke straw up some slampig's nasal cavity, shoots two guys who aren't even in the fucking room, blasts a coke dealer right in the rocks, then homeboy turns around and throws said slampig(screaming bloody murder) out a fucking window. Boom. Suck it Scarface, Rostov is number one.

Tickle My Vagina

What the hell Majela? You could have just politely asked me to get rid of the beard in private. You didn't have to go public with the issue and make a fool of me on youtube.

We All The Wold

Really dudes? You spend the time to get in black face and redo your bone structure to look like Guy Ritchie, but you're too fucking stubborn to learn your R's? Thanks for half-assing it.

Via Theo Crotti

Oh, I’m the weird one because my parents decided against mutilating my dick. Yeah that makes sense.

Barbaric medical practices no longer in use-
Cranial Trephination Check
Bloodletting Check
Treating Hemorrhoids with Hot Irons Check
Cutting Baby Cocks Not Quite

In Africa they wait till you’re a teenager, then they throw a crazy party where the whole village gets together and knifes your weiner. But that’s just to make sure you’re brave enough to be a child soldier, fight lions, eat human meat, and get adopted by a celebrity. Cus if there’s anything scarier than that shit, it’s having an entire village take your dick to the butcher block.
But here we can’t wait to wipe the birth juice off the motherfucker before cutting his willy.

Hey baby, welcome to the planet earth. We’ve cured polio, mastered nuclear fusion, harnessed the power of the wind, walked on the moon, and like to cut babies’ dinks.

Why the fuck do we still do this shit?
Cleanliness
Really dude? Do you not take showers? Washing your cock and balls should be part of your daily routine, you grimy bastard. I don’t care if you’re cut or not, if you don’t clean that shit on the reg you’re gonna get dick-zits.

STDs
What the fuck? Putting a rubber on is too difficult? You’d rather take a knife to your prick than spending .5 seconds before getting your freak on? I’m too lazy to get out of bed to pee, but you’re taking laziness to a whole new level.

To Fit In
Of all the reasons to have ‘minor’ dick surgery this is the weirdest one. What are you doing? Comparing dicks with your bros? Sounds more like a gay movie plot than reality. The only time your flaccid member should be exposed in the same room as other bare cocks is in a group shower. And those are just for jocks and the weirdos at the YMCA. And if you’re either one of those types of people then you should probably have gotten your entire cock cut off.