Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Introducing His-Carriage: from the twisted mind of Eric The Hateful Bigot
Hey there Bros and Brawhides. 7lbs 6oz got you down? Well we've all been there. You got the bar skank pregnant and now your future is starting to look pretty boring and expensive. Now I know what you’re thinking "maybe she won't want to keep it" or "maybe she'll survive that 'accidental' trip down 4 flights of stairs." Well guess what? NO and NO.
You see bitches weren't made from the same thought processing genes as dudes. While you and I toil away on world pressing issues like what should the pledges nickname be and how can I turn $10 into enough blow to last me the weekend, they're busy thinking of how they can trick a man into supporting them and their superficial lifestyle. Oh, whats that? Um, superficial, it means like she's a bitch or something.
Anyway, your life wasn't meant to be spent changing diapers and buying food for other people. It was meant to be spent changing girlfriends and buying the next Coldplay or Dane Cook C.D. Besides, having babies makes women ugly. I mean honestly would you bang your mom? I know I wouldn't bang your mom.
So calm down, because some scientist fag has made a solution to your problem. New from Pfizther comes His-Carriage. Yes, His-Carriage. The brand new medication that will eliminate "the kids" problem faster than your pregnant mom in a Franzia drinking contest.
"But what if she doesn't want to take His-Carriage?" Good question but there is one problem. WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD SPEAK PLEDGE!!! KEEP POURING THAT FUCKING HOT SAUCE ON YOUR DICK HOLE!!! Moving on. You see, since women are emotional and stupid His-Carriage was designed with men in mind so that means we covered all the basics. His-carriage is meant to be used without her knowing. This pill dissolves in seconds into any liquid so as not to be detected. We also have snortable His-Carriage that looks, tastes, and has effects just like cocaine. That way she'll want to get her party buzz on when she sees you have drugs. Plus, you'll definitely get laid again because you have drugs. No more begging her to change her mind. No more telling her how much you wanted to spend a year in Amsterdam. No more denying it's yours. You can own up to it without even breaking a sweat. Chicks dig gay shit like that. So the next time that walk of shame involves a baby carriage just think His-Carriage.
Brought to you in part by The Pfizther Company and the University of Wisconsin Chapter of Phi Sigma Phi. Go Badgers!
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