Chivalry is dead…if you’re a dipshit

Yes, women can vote, serve in the military, and no longer have to be secretaries to be in the workplace. But they’re still women. I know they say they want to be treated as equals, but that’s just with the important shit. You don’t have to open doors and pull out chairs, but you still have to pay for shit, walk them home at night, and fight a dude if he’s being fresh (no matter how big he is). You seriously think it’s a good idea to let a girl walk home alone late at night in a city? You’re a fucking idiot.
“What ever dude. They want to be treated as equals.”
You seriously believe that shit? Check back with me when you’ve resorted to bringing call girls to family functions so your family doesn’t think you’re gay.

Apart from peanuts & chips, there should be no eating at the bar

We’ve all been there. You’re at the local watering hole, knocking back a couple (10+) cold ones with the homies, shooting the shit, when you realize you haven’t had anything to eat all day except for a cup of coffee and a bag of chips. You should probably put something in your stomach. Or else in 20 minutes you’re going to be as sloppy and annoying as that sad, drunk, middle-aged woman who won’t shut the fuck up about the horses she used to own down at the other end of the bar. Go get that burrito you know you want and need. Just do the rest of us a favor and finish it before returning. The bar isn’t your fucking living room. If you really need to eat something that bad you should probably take a teeny weeny break from pouring Pabst down your throat. What’s the fucking rush? Are you afraid you’re going to miss something or those hunnydips are going to start talking to your homies? No girl is going to approach a half-shitfaced dude at a bar cramming a burrito into his face. Except for maybe horse-lady. Finish that shit at El Beanerino.

Studies show that drinking Evian makes me want to punch you in the face.

Oh great. Evian has combined two of my least favorite things ever. Rollerfags from the park and tiny fat people who compulsively cry and shit themselves. Kudos Evian. I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve made me into an even angrier human being.

My interests include long walks on the beach, candle light dinners, and serial killing

I can’t believe how many people want to go to the bone-zone with Gavin Newsom. Homeboy looks like he obsesses over business cards and spends his free time feeding stray cats to ATMs and returning videos. But i guess if you're into getting your lady parts knifed on camera he does look kinda dreamy.

THE FINAL SOLUTION...for the oil leak

BP should kill two birds with one stone and plug that leak up with a big giant ball of panda fur. Those spoiled little brats have got to go. When will we just take Darwin seriously and let evolution run its course? They’re not even a real bear. They move slow as shit, they eat bamboo (which is just plain fucking weird), and they refuse to procreate. Time is up. Thanks for not caring about your own existence.

Lock your daughters up!

Holly shit! You better lock your women up. This little dude is bringing it!

Wait that was a Lady GaGa song? Never mind, keep your eyes on your creepy uncle and single dad. Cuz that kid is definitely not into chicks.

You're a 'leg girl?' Really?

Is there such a thing as a ‘leg girl’ or ‘ass girl?’ No, right? Girls are just into general good looks and a good sense of humor. And sometimes not even that. Like the fairer sex can appreciate washboard abs or a nice ass, but they’re not going to bang a dude just because of it. You kind of have to be as perverted and depraved as a man to do that shit. That’s probably why girls love gay dudes. Gay dudes say shit that objectifies men, the way women wish they could. Oh and they make them feel ok about sleeping around.

Devastatin Dave is full of shit. You know he has a legit hook up.

Why is it that anti-drug songs are only enjoyable when you’re high as a kite? Like I only give a shit about what Devastatin Dave has to say when I’m a couple 40s deep and have taken a gram to the dome. When the fuck do you hear a clean and sober dude say “Zippy zappa a doodah ba bip bap doopie a wam bam?” That’s the type of shit that comes out of my mouth after doing a fatty key bump in a bathroom stall.

Fuck having a girlfriend. We're all just a 35 year-old kid at heart.

Back in middle school Yo-Yoing was really big for like one christmas. Kids were spending mad loot on fucking yo-yos with brains and shit and kids would be yo-yo battling in the bathroom. Whatever the fuck that means. I never got into that shit and if my memory serves me correct i was the only one. That being said, if this motherfucker visited my school back then, you best believe i'd own every type of yo-yo and i'd be yo-yo battling the shit out of suckas at lunch.

Fucking Shape-Ups

AHHH! Have you seen these fucking things? They supposedly cure bad posture and cellulite. I don’t give a fuck if they cured AIDS, cancer, and ended poverty and hunger. They’d make the hottest girl in the world look like a fucking mongoloid.

It's OK that you're insane. i like you just the way you are

Hey gay doods, you’re fucking crazy. Not ‘hahaha I can’t believe you slapped that drunk bitch! You’re so crazy!”, actually you are crazy like that. I’m talking ‘why the hell is that guy having a conversation with a plastic bag’ crazy. Fuck all this ‘nature vs. nurture’ bull shit, you’re fucked in the head. who cares how you got there?
I’m just like you, girls just don’t do it for me.
Uh, that’s what makes you fucked. I’m not knocking you or anything. I mean you’re a person too, just a dysfunctional one. We’re only here to reproduce and youre brain is too fucked to handle that one basic instinct. Don’t take it as an insult, crazies are awesome. You just happen to be one of em. Deal with it. I’m sure you can, I mean you dealt with being the biggest disappointment to your dad. Love you.

Easy with the uni-brow Bro

Baahahaha! I use to think that painting of that ugly broad with the uni-brow was a painting of some hot bitch done by a terrible painter. And the hot bitch was super bummed that there was this famous painting of her where she looked all junked up. My un-cultured ass just found out that’s how she actually looks! Why the fuck would you do that to yourself? Women owning their unattractive attributes is fucked, unless they're funny. Only dudes can pull that shit off. What the fuck do you think Jackie-O sunglasses are for?

You don't have to be a retard to act like one

I use to be of the belief that the human body and brain could handle pretty much anything, especially a young 23 year-old one. This apparently isn’t the case. I’ve taken more acid than that weirdo in the park with the bike covered in shag carpet and bells and taken more blows to the head than Muhammad Ali. Now when you combine this with a diet consisting solely of salted meats, malt liquor, black coffee and cigarettes your body will eventually break into a quick Michael Jackson impersonation before shutting down for a good 15 minutes. Word to the wise, mix a little bit of fruits and h2o into your diet, son. You don’t have to have epilepsy, autism, or any other form of high functioning retardation to have a seizure.