Introducing His-Carriage: from the twisted mind of Eric The Hateful Bigot

Hey there Bros and Brawhides. 7lbs 6oz got you down? Well we've all been there. You got the bar skank pregnant and now your future is starting to look pretty boring and expensive. Now I know what you’re thinking "maybe she won't want to keep it" or "maybe she'll survive that 'accidental' trip down 4 flights of stairs." Well guess what? NO and NO.
You see bitches weren't made from the same thought processing genes as dudes. While you and I toil away on world pressing issues like what should the pledges nickname be and how can I turn $10 into enough blow to last me the weekend, they're busy thinking of how they can trick a man into supporting them and their superficial lifestyle. Oh, whats that? Um, superficial, it means like she's a bitch or something.
Anyway, your life wasn't meant to be spent changing diapers and buying food for other people. It was meant to be spent changing girlfriends and buying the next Coldplay or Dane Cook C.D. Besides, having babies makes women ugly. I mean honestly would you bang your mom? I know I wouldn't bang your mom.
So calm down, because some scientist fag has made a solution to your problem. New from Pfizther comes His-Carriage. Yes, His-Carriage. The brand new medication that will eliminate "the kids" problem faster than your pregnant mom in a Franzia drinking contest.
"But what if she doesn't want to take His-Carriage?" Good question but there is one problem. WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD SPEAK PLEDGE!!! KEEP POURING THAT FUCKING HOT SAUCE ON YOUR DICK HOLE!!! Moving on. You see, since women are emotional and stupid His-Carriage was designed with men in mind so that means we covered all the basics. His-carriage is meant to be used without her knowing. This pill dissolves in seconds into any liquid so as not to be detected. We also have snortable His-Carriage that looks, tastes, and has effects just like cocaine. That way she'll want to get her party buzz on when she sees you have drugs. Plus, you'll definitely get laid again because you have drugs. No more begging her to change her mind. No more telling her how much you wanted to spend a year in Amsterdam. No more denying it's yours. You can own up to it without even breaking a sweat. Chicks dig gay shit like that. So the next time that walk of shame involves a baby carriage just think His-Carriage.
Brought to you in part by The Pfizther Company and the University of Wisconsin Chapter of Phi Sigma Phi. Go Badgers!

Movie Review: Invasion USA

This is easily the best cold war era action movie. Actually, fuck that. This is the best movie of all time. I know what you're going to say.
Oh, HA HA. Chuck Norris movie. HA HA. I love Chuck Norris. HA HA.
No you don't, idiot. Chuck Norris sucks, his career sucks, jokes about him suck, and you suck for pretending to like him. If you love Chuck Norris so much, then let me ask you a question. What's the name of his black sidekick from 'the hit T.V. show' Walker Texas Ranger? That's what i thought nancy. Kick rocks. The movie poster might have the mulleted one on it, but make no mistake about it. This movie is all about the great Richard Lynch aka Rostov. Dude is ruthless. In the opening scene homeboy smokes an old man in the dome over a boatload of coke. Later on he cruises around the suburbs blowing up houses on christmas eve, and at the end of the movie he gets into a bazooka shootout with Charles Mullet. The best scene, however, is when Rostov slams a coke straw up some slampig's nasal cavity, shoots two guys who aren't even in the fucking room, blasts a coke dealer right in the rocks, then homeboy turns around and throws said slampig(screaming bloody murder) out a fucking window. Boom. Suck it Scarface, Rostov is number one.

Tickle My Vagina

What the hell Majela? You could have just politely asked me to get rid of the beard in private. You didn't have to go public with the issue and make a fool of me on youtube.

We All The Wold

Really dudes? You spend the time to get in black face and redo your bone structure to look like Guy Ritchie, but you're too fucking stubborn to learn your R's? Thanks for half-assing it.

Via Theo Crotti

Oh, I’m the weird one because my parents decided against mutilating my dick. Yeah that makes sense.

Barbaric medical practices no longer in use-
Cranial Trephination Check
Bloodletting Check
Treating Hemorrhoids with Hot Irons Check
Cutting Baby Cocks Not Quite

In Africa they wait till you’re a teenager, then they throw a crazy party where the whole village gets together and knifes your weiner. But that’s just to make sure you’re brave enough to be a child soldier, fight lions, eat human meat, and get adopted by a celebrity. Cus if there’s anything scarier than that shit, it’s having an entire village take your dick to the butcher block.
But here we can’t wait to wipe the birth juice off the motherfucker before cutting his willy.

Hey baby, welcome to the planet earth. We’ve cured polio, mastered nuclear fusion, harnessed the power of the wind, walked on the moon, and like to cut babies’ dinks.

Why the fuck do we still do this shit?
Cleanliness
Really dude? Do you not take showers? Washing your cock and balls should be part of your daily routine, you grimy bastard. I don’t care if you’re cut or not, if you don’t clean that shit on the reg you’re gonna get dick-zits.

STDs
What the fuck? Putting a rubber on is too difficult? You’d rather take a knife to your prick than spending .5 seconds before getting your freak on? I’m too lazy to get out of bed to pee, but you’re taking laziness to a whole new level.

To Fit In
Of all the reasons to have ‘minor’ dick surgery this is the weirdest one. What are you doing? Comparing dicks with your bros? Sounds more like a gay movie plot than reality. The only time your flaccid member should be exposed in the same room as other bare cocks is in a group shower. And those are just for jocks and the weirdos at the YMCA. And if you’re either one of those types of people then you should probably have gotten your entire cock cut off.

Skull fuck Muni? Skull Fuck teachers who bring their field-trips on Muni.

How can somebody responsible for educating our youth be so fucking retarded? What the fuck are you thinking, taking 30 loud little nose-picking walking shit-stains on Muni? I thought teachers were supposed to be smart. If you don't have enough chaperones to transport the little fuckers by car, then you don't have enough chaperones to make sure one of them doesn't end up at the bottom of the bay. Consider this a warning and a promise. Next time you bring your "little bumblebees," or whatever gay little nickname you've given your 3rd grade class, on Muni I'm going to abduct one of the bastards and murder the shit out of em.

The Examiner- Know a pregnant smoker who's planning to quit the instant she gives birth? Speed-dial her and say, "Not soon enough!" A study of 8- to 16-year-olds shows that kids exposed to smoke in the womb are six times more likely to have asthma than children of nonsmokers. And smoking is now tied to between 5 percent and 8 percent of premature births.
If you didn't quit before you were pregnant, don't waste energy feeling guilty. Quit now!!! And don't let anyone smoke near you or your kids. Just so you're clear, here are the dangers of secondhand smoke: New research shows that 23 percent to 34 percent of deaths caused by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome could have been prevented if the mothers had quit. Kids inhaling secondhand smoke are more vulnerable to lung and ear infections; school-age children have more behavior problems; and those with asthma are twice as likely to miss school.

What is this, 1950? How the fuck do you not already know that smoking 'cancer sticks' is bad for your baby? The idea that smoking is bad for you and anything around you is older than me. What's worse than smoking while you've got a bun in the oven, is contributing to the gene pool while being retarded enough to not know that pregos shouldn't smoke. Here's a fucking idea. Don't bother trying to quit smoking. Do yourself, your bouncing bundle of cancer, and the rest of mankind a favor and throw yourself off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Happy 4th of July

Pride Week was as predictable and boring as Sex & The City 2

Do gays not give a shit about anything but attention? I mean what the fuck is the point of the pride parade? It sure as hell isn’t to change normal folks perception of them. If anything it just reinforces stereotypes. Like roller-skating down Market Street with nothing on but a rainbow cape, pulling your partner behind you on a leash doesn’t really get normies jazzed about you being able to adopt children and get married with health benefits. I understand the whole ‘we’re here, we’re queer, get over it’ thing and more power to you. But what might be more surprising to conservative Joe and effective to your cause is if you wore street/work clothes in the parade. If you just want to have a gay old time (pun intended) and throw a big party, then fine. But if you really wanted to surprise some closed minded assholes and get them to rethink their stance on gay rights, you might want to tone it down a smidge. I mean what would you rather regular folk walk away thinking?
Whelp, the gays are at it again.
or
Oh shit. My proctologist is gay? Learn something new everyday.
You know what? On second thought, just keep partying and being fabulous.

'I fucking hate tourists'

Oh, ok. I get it. You’ve lived here for 3 years. So now you’re soooo local that you can’t stand people visiting ‘your city.’ How do you even deal with tourists enough for them to piss you off? What, do you frequent tourist hot spots? You spend most of your time at the fucking golden gate bridge and fisherman’s wharf? That’s fucking embarrassing. Listen, I love pulling my pants down and waving my skinny, pimpled, hairy ass at tour buses as much as the next guy. But that’s because it’s fun to moon people, not because I hate tourists and everything they stand for. Do you never leave the city? If so, then you’re a hermit. And if not, then you’re a hypocrite. And I can’t decide which is worse.
P.S.
You’re pretty much a tourist on extended stay. Get over yourself.

Homeboy needs to check out "2 Girls 1 Cup"

Wait a fucking second here. You’re telling me you’re a fucking doctor, but you use the word ‘poo poo?’ I thought you scholarly types said ‘feces.’ And what’s this shit about ‘anal licking?’ If you had actually done your research you’d know it’s called tossing salad. What is this, amateur hour? No one’s going to take your crusade against homosexuality seriously, if you can’t even get the lingo down. Step your game up, bro.
P.S. It’d probably help if your buddies weren’t giggling the whole entire time.

Chivalry is dead…if you’re a dipshit

Yes, women can vote, serve in the military, and no longer have to be secretaries to be in the workplace. But they’re still women. I know they say they want to be treated as equals, but that’s just with the important shit. You don’t have to open doors and pull out chairs, but you still have to pay for shit, walk them home at night, and fight a dude if he’s being fresh (no matter how big he is). You seriously think it’s a good idea to let a girl walk home alone late at night in a city? You’re a fucking idiot.
“What ever dude. They want to be treated as equals.”
You seriously believe that shit? Check back with me when you’ve resorted to bringing call girls to family functions so your family doesn’t think you’re gay.

Apart from peanuts & chips, there should be no eating at the bar

We’ve all been there. You’re at the local watering hole, knocking back a couple (10+) cold ones with the homies, shooting the shit, when you realize you haven’t had anything to eat all day except for a cup of coffee and a bag of chips. You should probably put something in your stomach. Or else in 20 minutes you’re going to be as sloppy and annoying as that sad, drunk, middle-aged woman who won’t shut the fuck up about the horses she used to own down at the other end of the bar. Go get that burrito you know you want and need. Just do the rest of us a favor and finish it before returning. The bar isn’t your fucking living room. If you really need to eat something that bad you should probably take a teeny weeny break from pouring Pabst down your throat. What’s the fucking rush? Are you afraid you’re going to miss something or those hunnydips are going to start talking to your homies? No girl is going to approach a half-shitfaced dude at a bar cramming a burrito into his face. Except for maybe horse-lady. Finish that shit at El Beanerino.

Studies show that drinking Evian makes me want to punch you in the face.

Oh great. Evian has combined two of my least favorite things ever. Rollerfags from the park and tiny fat people who compulsively cry and shit themselves. Kudos Evian. I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve made me into an even angrier human being.

My interests include long walks on the beach, candle light dinners, and serial killing

I can’t believe how many people want to go to the bone-zone with Gavin Newsom. Homeboy looks like he obsesses over business cards and spends his free time feeding stray cats to ATMs and returning videos. But i guess if you're into getting your lady parts knifed on camera he does look kinda dreamy.

THE FINAL SOLUTION...for the oil leak

BP should kill two birds with one stone and plug that leak up with a big giant ball of panda fur. Those spoiled little brats have got to go. When will we just take Darwin seriously and let evolution run its course? They’re not even a real bear. They move slow as shit, they eat bamboo (which is just plain fucking weird), and they refuse to procreate. Time is up. Thanks for not caring about your own existence.

Lock your daughters up!

Holly shit! You better lock your women up. This little dude is bringing it!

Wait that was a Lady GaGa song? Never mind, keep your eyes on your creepy uncle and single dad. Cuz that kid is definitely not into chicks.

You're a 'leg girl?' Really?

Is there such a thing as a ‘leg girl’ or ‘ass girl?’ No, right? Girls are just into general good looks and a good sense of humor. And sometimes not even that. Like the fairer sex can appreciate washboard abs or a nice ass, but they’re not going to bang a dude just because of it. You kind of have to be as perverted and depraved as a man to do that shit. That’s probably why girls love gay dudes. Gay dudes say shit that objectifies men, the way women wish they could. Oh and they make them feel ok about sleeping around.

Devastatin Dave is full of shit. You know he has a legit hook up.

Why is it that anti-drug songs are only enjoyable when you’re high as a kite? Like I only give a shit about what Devastatin Dave has to say when I’m a couple 40s deep and have taken a gram to the dome. When the fuck do you hear a clean and sober dude say “Zippy zappa a doodah ba bip bap doopie a wam bam?” That’s the type of shit that comes out of my mouth after doing a fatty key bump in a bathroom stall.

Fuck having a girlfriend. We're all just a 35 year-old kid at heart.

Back in middle school Yo-Yoing was really big for like one christmas. Kids were spending mad loot on fucking yo-yos with brains and shit and kids would be yo-yo battling in the bathroom. Whatever the fuck that means. I never got into that shit and if my memory serves me correct i was the only one. That being said, if this motherfucker visited my school back then, you best believe i'd own every type of yo-yo and i'd be yo-yo battling the shit out of suckas at lunch.

Fucking Shape-Ups

AHHH! Have you seen these fucking things? They supposedly cure bad posture and cellulite. I don’t give a fuck if they cured AIDS, cancer, and ended poverty and hunger. They’d make the hottest girl in the world look like a fucking mongoloid.

It's OK that you're insane. i like you just the way you are

Hey gay doods, you’re fucking crazy. Not ‘hahaha I can’t believe you slapped that drunk bitch! You’re so crazy!”, actually you are crazy like that. I’m talking ‘why the hell is that guy having a conversation with a plastic bag’ crazy. Fuck all this ‘nature vs. nurture’ bull shit, you’re fucked in the head. who cares how you got there?
I’m just like you, girls just don’t do it for me.
Uh, that’s what makes you fucked. I’m not knocking you or anything. I mean you’re a person too, just a dysfunctional one. We’re only here to reproduce and youre brain is too fucked to handle that one basic instinct. Don’t take it as an insult, crazies are awesome. You just happen to be one of em. Deal with it. I’m sure you can, I mean you dealt with being the biggest disappointment to your dad. Love you.

Easy with the uni-brow Bro

Baahahaha! I use to think that painting of that ugly broad with the uni-brow was a painting of some hot bitch done by a terrible painter. And the hot bitch was super bummed that there was this famous painting of her where she looked all junked up. My un-cultured ass just found out that’s how she actually looks! Why the fuck would you do that to yourself? Women owning their unattractive attributes is fucked, unless they're funny. Only dudes can pull that shit off. What the fuck do you think Jackie-O sunglasses are for?

You don't have to be a retard to act like one

I use to be of the belief that the human body and brain could handle pretty much anything, especially a young 23 year-old one. This apparently isn’t the case. I’ve taken more acid than that weirdo in the park with the bike covered in shag carpet and bells and taken more blows to the head than Muhammad Ali. Now when you combine this with a diet consisting solely of salted meats, malt liquor, black coffee and cigarettes your body will eventually break into a quick Michael Jackson impersonation before shutting down for a good 15 minutes. Word to the wise, mix a little bit of fruits and h2o into your diet, son. You don’t have to have epilepsy, autism, or any other form of high functioning retardation to have a seizure.

Dear 20-something white dood eating Chinese food,

DON’T ASK FOR CHOPSTICKS! Why the fuck do you want to fumble around with two sticks while your trying to get your MSG on? We’ve had forks for quite some fucking time now. Forks are waaaaay above chopsticks on the cutlery evolution totem pole, and just under sporks. Using chopsticks instead of a fork doesn’t make you look more cultured. It makes you look like a dick head. A dickhead I wanna knife in the face!
‘Hey when there aren’t any forks around I’ll know how to use two sticks to pick up my food.’
WHAT!? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life! When there aren’t any forks around? When the fuck is that? When you go camping? You’re supposed to be roughing it while camping. Eat that shit with your hands you nancy!
Admit it. You think it looks cool. It doesn’t. You look like those fucking assholes on public transit wearing glasses reading a novel while cross-legged.
The only time purposefully being inconvenienced is o.k. is if it’s cool. High heels, chaos spikes, fixed gear bikes, etc.
Use a fork.

Bike Riding Advice for Pussies

If you're going to be such a little fucking scared pussy and not ride your bike in the street with the big scary cars then don't ride a bike at all. Sidewalks are for walking, sleeping, and pissing on. Not riding your bike on. Suck it up and ride that shit in the street. You're making us all look like a bunch of beach cruiser riding nancies.